02 June 21

Ending HIV

Dildo Mail – Adventures In Dildo Shopping

Written by Dick Johnson (A pseudonym? We’ll never know.)

It’s a very satisfying thing to check your mailbox and pull out a discreetly packaged dildo. We are truly living in a golden age! All things pandemic has made bumping bits with strange men from the internet and beyond more challenging, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end of getting some action downstairs.

It was a Tuesday afternoon when I brought the dildo back from the mailbox. Carrying the parcel under one arm, I carefully fished for my front door keys from my pocket, trying not to seem over eager to my neighbours and arouse their suspicions about my mail-ordered package. 😉

Before this historic moment I had learnt several things about shopping for dildos, so much so I have written them down so you may learn from my encounters of the dong kind.

But first, let’s talk about men. They’re unreliable! We’ve all been there – it’s late and you’re horny. You are texting a guy and he’s all dick pics and promises. So you shower, douche, return to the phone… You wait and wait and wait AND HE’S ASLEEP. THE NERVE.

But wait, kind reader! It doesn’t have to be this way. By the powers of ~THE INTERNET~ you can find an alternative that is more reliable than any man. Enter: the dildo. (pun intended)

Dildos are great for many reasons! For example, they’re great for experimenting with anal play if it’s something new for you, while also giving time and space to explore what feels right. How amazing is that? Now, I’ve previously bought a dildo or two, but over time misplaced them with various moves/ex-boyfriends. So, in recent weeks I found myself looking to restock. Seems simple right?

Not exactly.

My first attempt was ordering from an online store that a friend had recommended. The prices were good and the pictures looked ace! However, so great was my optimism I did not stop to consider the size and general shape of the dicks I was accustomed to; not a heaving behemoth, but rather something of a more modest-sized gentleman. So, when the big, black dong arrived, I discovered I was in for a little lot of trouble. For ease, let’s call him ‘Bravo’. Why Bravo? Much like a magic trick, when he disappears into my ass, I can say Bravo!

Now, I’m always up for a challenge, and with the right breathing and stretching, the human body is capable of a lot of things. However ultimately, I decided Bravo was not the right dildo match for me.

So lesson #1: when you are looking at measurements, make sure you check the girth as that’s not really adjustable! At least with length you can always choose how much of whatever is going inside you goes in. Not sure how big you’d want to go? Get out that sewing measuring tape and start wrapping it around phallic objects in the home to see what you think you can take.

Armed with measurements, I logged back online and restarted the search. After scrolling for a while, and experiencing a little self-doubt, I decided to go into the shop itself and look at the products in-person. The staff were friendly and not intrusive, which was a plus. That’s when I met ‘Randy’, a translucent dildo with a curve and less girth. I bought and took him home for a test drive. Let me tell you, Randy got me there.

But as I lay there in my post-self-coital haze, I started to wonder: what had I just put inside of me, really? I went to the packaging still in kitchen and brought it back to bed with me. It proudly proclaimed that it was phthalate-free. That’s good, right? Like when you by a water bottle and it says it’s BPA-free? I did some searches online and then started to become concerned.

Turns out that the sex toy industry here in Australia (and in many parts of the world) is completely unregulated! While there is some regulation for appliances which directly plug into a wall socket in NSW, no specific regulations for adult toys exist. This means that there are currently no government bodies that overlook the materials that go into these items or their quality.

Reading further I learnt phthalates were toxic; a chemical compound found in loads of everyday items that have been shown to result in negative health impacts for those who insert them in their body or chew on them.

Later, when speaking with a colleague who used to work in the sex toy industry, they confirmed what I had read online. Major plastics manufacturers have begun to exclude this chemical and others from new  manufactured plastics, and there’s a ban on infant and children’s toys that are made with more than 1% phthalates.

With sex toys however, no regulation or no mandatory testing of products exists. Meaning there is no way to know for sure they do not include phthalates or any other harmful chemicals. I started scanning for information online about the dildos I’d just purchased, what they were made from and if they were toxic. And no, not the Britney Spears kind.

I discovered that Bravo was made from a material called PVC, which is a sort of jelly rubber material. Phthalates are often added to this material to make it flexible, and though the tag says the product is phthalate-free, there is no testing process to certify this is the case.

Looking at Randy’s packaging, I discovered it had ZERO information about what material it was made from, which was unsettling to say the least, RANDY!

Although this seemed to be an upsetting turn of events, it prompted me to do some proper research before I found my next dildo lover. The good news is that I found a huge number of sex toy reviewers just through googling ‘dildo name x reviews’! Hats off to those who are doing the hard yards / inches to recommend body-safe sex toys that are out on the market.

I learnt that silicone is the gold-standard for dildos; it’s non-porous and hypoallergenic. Good toy companies will use ‘medical-grade silicone’ in their products – something to look out for.

Which leads me to my perfect match ‘Pecker’; a beautiful pastel-blue veined dong made from silicone with a flared suction-cup base I found online and mailed to my door. So now, with Pecker sitting beside me, I write this piece merely inches away from a good time.

What final wisdom can I impart to you about buying dildos dear reader? Research a product online before you buy it! Be conscious of the material it’s made of, consider the size, and look out for reviews.

For me, when it came to getting my bells rung with the right dildo, third dong’s the charm.

P.S.

Picked up a silicone dildo? Silicone-based sex toys will deteriorate from touching other silicone products (e.g. other plugs, dildos or silicone-based lube), so keep them apart. Good quality silicone toys are safe to use with hybrid lube (which is semi-silicone), but if you want to use silicone-based lube you can use them with a barrier such as a condom. I like to use water-based lube personally, and for storage I wrap mine in an old shirt separate from other toys. Good luck!

P.P.S.

If you already have a dildo and think it might be made out of a suspect material like PVC and you can’t afford to fork out for a newer model just yet, consider using a condom over the top to help protect yourself!