10 tips for first time tops

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Here are some quick tips and tricks from ACON’s Peer Education team that will get you topping those bottoms like a pro in no time.

1. Foreplay before play

When topping for the first time it can be intimidating so we recommend building a lot of trust with your partner by exploring each other’s bodies through foreplay before starting insertive sex.

two men kissing in a sauna

2. Talk the talk

Communication is incredibly important when you are topping, particularly if it’s for the first time. Get comfortable checking in with your partner and asking them how they liked to be fucked. (do they need foreplay? Do they need to be fingered?) Equally, if you know there is something that your partner does that makes you rock hard then ask for it!

Sexy whisper

While you are talking about what gets you and your partner’s engines going, why don’t you include what sort of HIV prevention methods you want to be using? Slip in that you are using PrEP or an undetectable viral load – or maybe that you are looking to use condoms. Whatever it is you decide to use, you are letting your partner know that you are looking after your own health and theirs. Communicating with your partner before you meet up will save you from an awkward conversation and leave more time for the fun stuff.

3. Make peace with poo

Before starting to top you must come to peace with the idea that there are times where things might get a tad messy. Before topping you must come to peace with this and know how not to make your partner feel horrible if an accident happens. Pro-tip; make sure you throw a towel down on the bed or have one handy.

Dancer dressed in poo costume

4. Fingers are for more than just nail models

Fingering is essential! A person has two sphincters an internal and external. A person can control their external sphincter, but they can’t control their internal sphincter. Fingering is not only incredibly intimate and enjoyable for your partner, but it’s also a great way to stimulate the prostate (ultimately where you are aiming to hit when you fuck them).

You may also want to use water-based lube to whet your bottom’s appetite.

a hand dialing a phone

5. Easy on the ignition!

You or your partner may be excited to get going, but often it’s better to start slow. Even after you have spent some time fingering your bottom’s bottom, it can still be a bit tight and tender down there. So, if you’re eager to get riding, remember it’s important to start slowly, take care and go at a speed that suits your partner.

At ease cadet

6. Ride ‘em, cowboy!

Cowboy position (you on your back, your partner lowering themselves down onto you) is the most comfortable position for most bottoms to start a session in. This is also a great position because it allows pretty good angle control. Your partner can position themselves to make the most out of your member.

Brokeback Mountain cowboys

7. Ask and ye shall receive

If you want to go faster ask them! – it doesn’t have to be boring or rigid, but if you are getting into a rhythm and you want to unleash your inner Hulk, then ask. Your partner will be thankful that you checked in with them.

Gimli with the text 'I could do that'

8. Check-in with your partner

Want to know if they are liking doggy as much as you are? Ask them. Communication during sex can be really hot. It also means that it’s unlikely you are going to be stuck in a position that doesn’t work for you or them.

David from Schitz Creek saying 'how are we feeling'

9. Keep your eyes on the prize

Take a moment to remember why you are fucking your partner. Is it because they begged you to fuck them? Or was it because you wanted to drive them wild with a new trick that you were willing to learn? Your frame of mind and feelings around topping will make all the difference.

dancing Rocky

10. I swear I was hard like a minute ago

Sometimes dicks are…well…dicks. Sometimes they won’t stay hard, sometimes they lose it half-way. The most important thing is to be okay with this. Lots of things affect how hard a guy can become, be it stress, medication, alcohol or other factors. When you are hooking up, take your time and have fun with it. If things aren’t working out and you aren’t able to keep an erection, there is no reason why you can’t still have a fun and sexy time. Focus on other things and come back to it when things are a bit firmer!


If you are consistently having a problem with staying hard and you feel it’s affecting your confidence or mental health then you might consider speaking with a doctor your trust. Not sure if you feel comfortable talking to your current GP? Check out the gay-friendly GP list here.